Funny Husband And Wife Jokes

husband wife funny jokes - riddlesnow.bom

Husband wife relationship is the best in the world, but sometimes there are very funny moments or events between them. We have listed such funny moments as Husband Wife jokes.

A wife to her husband : “Honey, what are you doing?”

Husband : I am reading our marriage certificate.

Wife : What for?

Husband : I am looking for the expiry date…

Husband : Every time i hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?

Wife : I clean the toilet seat…

Husband : How does it help?

Wife : I use your toothbrush!

Wife : I wish, i was newspaper so i would be in your hands all-day.

Husband : I too wish that you were a newspapers so i could have a new one everyday.

Husband asks : Do you know the meaning of wife? It means… without information, fighting every-time!

Wife says : No darling, it means :- With Idiot For Ever.

Wife : In my dream, i saw in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.

Husband : I had the same dream and i saw your dad paying the bill.

Husband texts to his wife on cell : Hi, what are you doing Darling?

Wife : I am dying..!

Husband jumps with joy but types sweet heart, how can i live without you?

Wife : Idiot! i am dying my hair…

Husband : Bloody English language!

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts : Up! Quick! My husband is back! man gets up, jump out of the window, hurts himself, and realizes : Damn, i am the husband!

A couple come across a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.

The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.

The husband says, ‘Wow! it really works!’

A dinner conversation that went wrong

Wife : What would you do if i died? Would you get married again?

Husband : Definitely not!

Wife : Why not- don’t you like being married?

Husband : Of course i do.

Wife : Then why would not you remarry?

Husband : Okay, I’d get married again.

Wife : You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

Husband : (makes audible groan).

Wife : Would you sleep with her in our bed?

Husband : Where else would we sleep?

Wife : Would you replace my pictures with hers?

Husband : That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Wife : Would she use my golf clubs?

Husband : No, She is left-handed.

Wife : —- silence—

Husband : “Shit.”

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with her only privates covered with leaves.

The wife does not like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, “What are you waiting for?”

The Husband replies, “Autumn.”

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

When asked he replied miserably… “My wife missed the bus”

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and i can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the new Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says… “HEBREWS”.

Husband : Today is Sunday and i have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife : Why three?

Husband : 1 for you and 2 for your parents.

Wife : I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?

Husband : You have perfect eyesight.

Wife : What is 10 years with me?

Husband : A second.

Wife : What is $1000 for me?

Husband : A coin.

Wife : Ok give me a coin.

Husband : Wait a second.

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